News From Another Dimension - Part I

In a surprise move by Congress, more changes are on the way in how consumers will receive their favorite broadcast television programs in the near future. High powered television stations are already gearing up for the mandatory conversion to digital broadcasting scheduled for February of 2009. The government is preparing consumers for the move to digital signals by offering people with older analog televisions not receiving cable or satellite programs, a $40 coupon to be used toward the purchase of a digital converter for up to two television sets. The economy is expected to get a good shot of revenue when millions of households rush into stores to buy digital converters that are expected to range in price from $50 to $70 each initially. While they are in the stores, people are expected to buy some of the other stuff they were too scared by the economic downturn and loss of jobs to get during the Christmas season hype. Further sales are expected when consumers give up on trying to get good digital programs from their rabbit ears, and go back to the stores to spend big bucks on brand new television sets.

Foreign manufacturers of the digital converters have made a deal with Congressional leaders to jack up the prices of the tuners once American viewers recognize they cannot do without some kind of broadcast television. Prices for converters will probably mess up Wall Street again when costs for the new equipment reach $100 per unit by the end of 2009.

The new digital broadcasting regulations apply only to the high powered television stations. This week, Congress unveiled their plans for what they intend to do about new requirements for low powered broadcasters, which will follow on the heels of the digital deadline of February 2009. Since low powered stations will not be required to implement the digital requirements, the government will be forcing low powered stations to adopt Chismbob broadcast standards.

Spokesman for the FCC, Harry Lungheavy made the following statement about the new Chismbob broadcast standards, "We are making the little guys use Chismbob broadcasting because it is something that does not require a converter, and we think viewers will appreciate seeing something they can do with their fingers instead of a computer. We think it is a nice low tech approach to watching community based programs."

Though the details of Chismbob broadcasting have yet to be worked out completely, the government expects to offer consumers a coupon good for a free copy of the publication titled, "I Got Chismbob On My TV." Though the book will not generate any sales in stores due to the coupon for a free copy, consumers are expected to buy some books they want to read when they go looking for their free copy of the Chismbob publication in bookstores.

The members of SETI, (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence,) have called for some special meetings with Congressional leadership to voice the organization's concerns for how these new broadcast standards will impact their work. In establishing the agenda for these meetings, the group is expected to raise issues on how to let alien life forms know they must switch to digital programming to receive future reruns of their beloved "I Love Lucy" episodes. The SETI organization is also expected to hit Congress up for a big fat grant to help them gear up for detecting alien broadcast signals in analog, digital and Chismbob formats all at once. Some arguments are expected as to whether or not alien life forms have the fingers for doing Chismbob programming, which would make funding for receiving alien Chismbob signals a moot, but highly expensive point.

If the revenues generated from mucking up the television industry prove to be a big success, Congress is expected to go forward with a number of more ambitious plans to get consumers to buy a host of other new consumer goods. Since America has gone global with its business infrastructure and economy, the politicians have determined that citizens need to get busy buying a lot more stuff at a much faster pace in order to prop up the income of fat cats who are getting rich somewhere other than the USA.

When questioned about where all the money is going to come from to support this hyper drive boost in consumer spending, Speaker of the House said to a representative from the National Inquirer, "We are focused on getting the spending up where it needs be first. Life calls for Visa, so if people have to charge stuff because they are not working, we can worry about where the money to pay off the charge cards is coming from later. Besides, the high interest charges will be good for the banks." After this statement, the reporter stopped listening.

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